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Sunday, 11 September 2005
Saturday Sept 10, 2005
Mood:
 chillin'
nothing much happened today... just purchased some marijuana nothing unusual
Posted by maybe.die
at 12:30 AM MDT
Saturday, 10 September 2005
decisions
Mood:
chillin'
how do you decide between two great guys that are both stoning buddies, drinking buddies and friends over all?
One is 17(a prog rock lover and 24/7 stoner... supposed to be graduated be didnt have enough credits) the other is 16 (Emo boy and 24/7 stoner... in grade 10 and is supposed to be in grade 10) Then there is me at 15(a emo/gothic girl who also loves prog rock and stoning 24/7...and im in grade 11) ....
decisions decisions
Posted by maybe.die
at 2:43 AM MDT
Updated: Saturday, 10 September 2005 2:49 AM MDT
Night thoughts
Mood:
 down
One night i couldnt sleep like usuall because of my sleeping disorder and depression and this wierd feeling came over me....
It was one another cutting/torture feeling.
So i quickly scribbled random tortures on paper and threw them in a hat...
some of the tortures included:
cutting lower arm (wrist)
cutting upper arm (a few inches above the wrist)
cutting an "x" apon wrist
cutting an "x" apon upper arm
placing a red hot saftey pin on wrist
placing a red hot saftey pin on upper arm
pouring a cap full of hot wax on wrist
pouring a cap full of hot wax on upper arm
smoke a bowl (haha not a torture at all)
then in another hat i placed about five small papers that said right and about small five papers that said left...
so i would roll one dice pick a "torture"(they really arnt tortures because they arnt that bad) and pick a left or right paper and what ever number was on the dice would be the number of times you would do that torture (or if you picked out smoking a bowl youd smoke that many bowls... i ended up being pretty stoned in the end lmao)
I played this alone ..i know im a loser
Posted by maybe.die
at 2:20 AM MDT
saturday 10 1:50 AM
Mood:
down
Welcome... I am 15 years of age and I have many of problems from bulimia to cutting... there is not one day that goes by i dont think of killing myself...
Today in class the last class of the day i had a urge to cut my wrists so while watching a movie about how shitty life was back then for poor people in England and France i took out my tiny knife (yes i carry it with me almost everywhere) and started to cut my wrists/upper arm. Did the teacher see? no i was doing it under my desk and i sit in a corner away from other kids.
I dont cut my wrists so deep that I make the blood pour out. No i just cut it to make blood drip out; I am not afraid to cut deeper its more so it heels faster so my parents dont see it because im scared of them and one time while i was lying on my floor my dad kick me in the head so i guess that might be why im scared.
The feeling of cutting my wrists is an amazing feeling you feel like your getting rid of your guilt and it makes you feel good inside.
Posted by maybe.die
at 2:06 AM MDT
Updated: Sunday, 11 September 2005 12:35 AM MDT
Suicide
Mood:
down
A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others.
For all those others that take sleeping pills to attract attention.
For those that wait on the roof of a skyscraper until someone notices them to call the cops.
I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power. Hamlet said it, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre considered the question.
It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable. It is a question only the strongest can face.
They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can hold a gun to their head and pull the trigger?
How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins?
How many can make the little step off a skyscraper?
How many can swallow the cyanide pill?
Small movements, a jerk of an index finger, a cut, a step, a swallow.
How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a mysterious, scaring new existence?
How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision?
How many can question their lives?
How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use apart from procreation -and what kind of a goal is that? Fucking, as the meaning of life. A goal for rabbits, for sheep, not for humans. And yet it is good enough for most.
To wait, to wait for something to come, to save them, something that does not exist, something that does not come. And so they keep on giving birth while standing on their graves, waiting like sheep.
How many can ask those questions?
How many can draw the consequences?
Those mentioned philosophers did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them. Because suicide is wrong? Because as Nietzsche stated, the philosopher has to live his thoughts and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. Whimps. Intellectual wankers, smart asses, suckers. Unworthy to have been read by me.
It is easy to live, to go on with it, to stand the treatmill. All you have to do is switch off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is nothing simpler than that.
Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say:
He could not stand the pressure his profession had put on him, he had always suffered from depression, he was suffering from a broken heart when his girlfriend left him. He could not stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He was too sensitive.
Those would be their words.
Bullshit.
And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the art, the literature and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him.
The sympathy of the deaf, dumb and blind, the braindead, the sympathy of the hens in the battery.
This is not the reason.
Sure, I am bleeding all over the place, sure I am suffering from pressure, sure I have always been depressed, sure all of this is true. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life. Real life, genuine emotions.
To shake off this mortal coil,
To step up to the Gods and to spit in their faces,
To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone.
Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil.
A voluntary step into something unknown.
Emptyness?
Heaven?
Hell?
Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case.
Imagine:
To stand on top of the highest cliff.
To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
The beauty of the abyss.
The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
Looking down into oblivion and voidness.
The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
Standing there.
Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.
To draw the final breath,
To make that little step,
To know, that for once a decision was made,
To feel one foot above the abyss,
To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,
To feel losing balance,
To fall,
To gain speed,
To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
To see the ground coming closer,
To scream in orgiastic excitement,
To know what you have done,
To know that you have done something for once.
Maybe even: To doubt,
To regret,
To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
Mercilessly
To fly into annihilation,
To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.
Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,
Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, divine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.
Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.
A worthy payment for endless agony
No more endless, unbearable pain.
No more routine.
No more repetition.
No more
-- Peace.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
To give in to the tiredness.
To fall asleep.
To find solace.
No more agony.
To end.
The end.
Posted by maybe.die
at 1:50 AM MDT
Cutting
Mood:
down
Why Do People Cut Themselves?
It can be hard to understand why people cut themselves on purpose. Cutting is what experts call an unhealthy coping mechanism. This means that the people who do it have not developed healthy ways of dealing with strong emotions, intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems.
The urge to cut might be triggered by strong feelings the person can't express - such as anger, hurt, shame, frustration, or depression. People who cut sometimes say they feel they don't fit in or that no one understands them. A person might cut because of losing someone close or to escape a sense of emptiness. Cutting might seem like the only way to find relief, or the only way to express personal pain over relationships or rejection.
People who cut or self-injure sometimes have other mental health problems that contribute to their emotional tension. Cutting is sometimes (but not always) associated with depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, obsessive thinking, or compulsive behaviors. It can also be a sign of mental health problems that cause people to have trouble controlling their impulses or to take unnecessary risks. Some people who cut themselves have problems with drug or alcohol abuse.
Some people who cut have had a traumatic experience, such as living through violence, a disaster, or abuse. Self-injury may feel like a way of "waking up" from a sense of numbness after a traumatic experience. Or it may be a way of reinflicting the pain they went through, expressing anger over it, or trying to get control of it.
Posted by maybe.die
at 1:42 AM MDT
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